The problem: “It’s funny how success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn’t that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.” Marilyn Monroe
A solution: Bill Bailey when asked if he ever felt jealous of other successful comedians replied, “If someone does well, some part of that goodness will spread out to everyone.”
If you feel jealous of someone else you can consider it as an inspiration. What you see that is working for them will be something you already have within you that you are not accessing or fully expressing. It is up to you to bring forward those qualities of being that you are seeing in the object of your jealousy. If someone is jealous of you then hold onto the conscious awareness that you have created what is good in your own life by being true to your inner being and that they could create what they desire in their life by being true to themselves. It is best not to give credit to 'luck' . those who are contennt with their lives have brought about their own contentment by the accessing what feels right and true within themselves and acting upon it. Since this is something everyone can do, there needs to be no cause for resentment. No-one is a victim of life as Spirit supports all beings to have their right life. However we all have free will to go against our own inner being if we so choose and doing this will make us unhappy even if there seems to be a temporary gain. When someone chooses a path that separates them from their own true nature, the path they choose will not bring them real fulfilment. But this is their choice and their opportunity to learn directly from their own experiences what works and brings them happiness and what instead brings pain and despair. In order to create a life that fulfils our innermost dreams and desires we need to allow our core truth to flow fully and freely into its natural form of expression. If anything separates us from that core truth or somehow blocks its flow, we will be either unable or less able to fulfil these heart’s desires.
Each individual’s core truth is a direct expression of some aspect of Creation’s larger and perfectly harmonious whole. In order to align with that truth we need to listen carefully to the signals which constantly stream into us from inside and outside ourselves.
The first line of signals arises from our feelings. The wide range of feelings we all naturally experience can be simply divided into pleasant and unpleasant. If we listen carefully to our own feelings they can function rather like the ‘getting warmer’, ‘getting colder’ communications in a child’s game of Hunt the Thimble. Pleasurable feelings indicate the ‘getting warmer’ as you come closer to truth and unpleasant feelings warn us about the ‘getting colder’ as we separate from truth. These signals are just as straightforward and obvious as those in the child’s game. However many of us have been taught to ignore them. Instead we have been taught to listen to the feelings and wishes of others. Listening to others as a priority often leads to a lack of attention to our own inner signalling system. If we let ourselves make the wishes and opinions of others more important than the true feelings that arise from within our own being we may well end up blocking the frree flow of certain aspects of our own soul's truth
There are many reasons why we block the free flow of our truth. These include beliefs about ourselves and about life we absorb in the womb, the presence of negative projections coming from our early environment and the acquisition of beliefs that the free flow of our truth is a cause of pain, fear or irritation to others*. Regardless of the particular cause, it can generally be said that most blocks on core truth originally arise as a result of listening more intently to others than to ourselves. Any block which prevents us listening to our own feelings is likely to interfere with our being the way we really want to be and therefore inevitably prevent us from having the life we inwardly desire to have.Fortunately, despite the presence of even deeply internalised blocks and powerful external pressures, both our positive and our negative feelings continue to operate and will constantly drive us towards breaking through or dissolving the blocks and releasing our core truth into its natural free flow.
The function of jealousy.
The purpose of all pain is to put pressure on us to move away from the source of that pain and/or find some way to relieve it. Jealousy is one of the most powerful of our negative feelings. Although it can sometimes be extremely destructive, both to the person who is feeling it and to those towards whom it is directed, its fundamental purpose is to maintain a connection with heavily blocked aspects of your own truth so that you can gain inspiration about how best to express them. Ideally you will allow your jealousy to help you to reconnect with those blocked aspects of truth and stimulate them to begin to flow freely into expression. The pain of your jealousy will be relieved and will be replaced by feelings of pleasure, well-being and fulfilment. Once you understand this you can learn to use your jealousy constructively to help you restore any blocked aspects of your own truth to their natural free flow and thereby move closer towards bringing about the fulfilment of your own soul’s dreams and desires.
Jealousy is part of a spectrum of feelings. Wholehearted admiration is at one end of this spectrum and destructive jealousy at the other.
When we are beginning to develop some aspect of our own truth, we naturally seek out inspiration. The easiest way to learn anything is to spend time with someone who already knows how to do it really well and thoroughly enjoys themselves whilst they are doing it. When someone is really enjoying the expression of something they do really well, it usually means that their soul’s truth will be pouring from them into that expression. By fully opening our hearts to that person we create a direct connection with that truth as it flows outwards from their inner being. What they are feeling and expressing then flows easily into us. We can absorb it and allow it to nourish us, letting it help us to know what it feels like to fully express this aspect of truth, letting us know that it can be done and so giving us encouragement to express it in our own way.
You only have to think about the different teachers you have had to know for yourself that this is true.When a teacher really loves his or her subject it always seems really easy and enjoyable to learn from them. As you absorb their love and enthusiasm you will also absorb much of their knowledge - which makes the learning relatively effortless!
It is easy enough to completely open your heart to admire someone who is expressing something you already know you have within you and already believe you can learn to express. However, it gets more difficult if you know you have it within you but are uncertain about your ability to express it. The sight of someone else clearly radiating the particular aspects of truth that you yourself long to express may then cause you pain. So your admiration can become tinged with the longing sigh of, “I wish”. This is the beginning of jealousy. Jealousy is still love but it is love infused with your own pain.
If the block to the free flow of your truth is severe, your pain and sadness will be correspondingly more intense. If the block is so deep that you are no longer aware that you actually have the potential to express these qualities of being, your jealousy can then become destructive.
A desire to destroy the object of jealousy simply arises out of a desire to protect yourself from the pain and total despair you would feel if you allowed yourself to continue to watch someone being the way you always wanted to be and having the things you always wanted to have whilst you yourself are suffering the intense pain and sadness of believing you can never have them.
When the free flow of any aspect of truth is blocked, all the life force that could have been flowing into the pleasure of expressing it will start to accumulate behind the block. This initially generates an increasing intensity of the desire to express, which will, hopefully, eventually succeed in pushing through the block. Although the resulting expression may be excessive (‘over the top’), at least the pressure has been relieved. However, if the block remains intact, the pressure will simply increase and manifest as feelings of frustration, expanding into increasing irritability, and thence into the violent anger and intense pain of completely frustrated expression. If the now focussed (and intensely, angry and frustrated) person happens to see someone else freely expressing whatever it was they originally wanted to express, then the whole focus of their own anger, pain and frustration is often shifted onto that other person and experienced as jealousy. If the anger and frustration is very intense, the jealousy would be experienced equally intensely, as pure hatred. The depth of the hatred will simply be a measure of the intensity of the original desire to express this aspect of truth and/or the degree of completeness of the blocks to its expression. Thus the more powerful the desire and the more completely it is blocked, the more intensely the hatred is felt towards anyone who is freely flowing truth of a similar type.
The main problem with jealousy is that if you don’t understand that its true purpose is to acquire inspiration, you may not use it in the right way. Then you may end up simply increasing your own pain and maybe even trying to destroy the source of the inspiration you need! If you hold fast to the knowing that whatever it is we truly desire to be, to express, to fulfil within this life, is actually available to all of us and that the only reason anyone feels jealous is because they have allowed certain aspects of their own truth to become blocked, then you will be able to appreciate your own jealousy for maintaining a connection with these blocked aspects of your own truth when they are expressed in others. After all, these others are offering you tangible evidence that these aspects of soul can be expressed in the world. You could allow this inspiration to encourage you to bring them back to full expression within your own life and thereby enable you to fulfil your own desires.
Maturity of being
The ultimate desire of the soul is to fully express the whole of its own nature and, in so doing, to connect with and be a part of the true reality of Creation. The ability to do this is innate within each of us and anyone can effortlessly and naturally do it in a Garden of Eden situation. However, the ability to do it in situations where there is pressure to do otherwise has to be developed. Developing it takes practice. This earth provides us with opportunities to undertake the necessary practice so that we can grow from the perfection of the innocent and natural being of ourselves into the power and beauty of full maturity.
A fully mature being is true to him or herself by conscious choice. A fully mature being is never jealous because he/she has become consciously aligned with the natural flow of love in which all needs are met and all desires realised. Therefore there will be no cause for jealousy in any area.
Someone who is totally sure of themselves and wholly fulfilled by the complete flow of their own truth outwards, will never desire to criticise, attack or destroy anyone else, even if that person is manifesting an untruth. They will simply accept the other person, respect his/her process and either keep their distance or approach him/her with compassion, whichever feels right. They will have no desire to impose on that other's free will by destroying them or restricting their expression.
Only people who have accepted imposition themselves ever try to impose on others. Only those who have suppressed certain aspects of their own truth will be inclined to attempt to suppress the same things in anyone else. If you are jealous of particular qualities of being in someone else, the chances are that someone else was jealous of these same qualities of being in you and it is the experience of having that jealousy directed towards you which has caused you to block their flow. There is no point continuing this domino rally! It just takes one person to stand fast and be true despite the jealousy of others and the whole repetitive process will be able to cease.
The experience of feeling jealous is one of the most useful tools we have to help us to grow towards full maturity of being. It will help to keep you connected with any aspects of your truth you may have withheld from expression, even when you do not allow yourself to even acknowledge their existence within yourself. In addition to this benefit, the experience of having jealousy directed towards you offers you the opportunity to practice holding truth steady in situations of extreme pressure (destructive jealousy is a seriously extreme pressure!) and discover the power your own fully expressed truth has to resist invasion by negativity. It also provides you with an opportunity to practice and master true compassion – the compassion that maintains a steady flow of truth from within the self whilst at the same time supporting those in pain to access and flow their truth from within themselves.
My book has information about about learning to understand and make full and constructive use of the resource of jealousy both to reveal buried aspects of your own truth and strengthen them against those things which have assailed them in the past.
To use jealousy constructively, you need to begin by understanding that all jealousy is simply a consequence of frustrated love.
The fundamental natural desires of the soul are to radiate pure love, to receive pure love and to be at one with Creation’s love for so doing.
We naturally generate love each time we allow our life force to flow freely into the expression of our core truth. This flow of truth needs to be pure. This means that it needs to be expressed directly as it arises within you, unmodified by any anticipation of what you might expect or hope to receive in return.
The perfect giving out of your own truth as love will bring you naturally into oneness with Creation’s beautiful reality and you will feel yourself at one with the love that pervades and connects everything in that reality.
It so happens that whenever you choose to give your own love out freely, you will also receive a plentiful supply of love in return (even if some of this love does happen to come in the distorted form of other people’s jealousy!). So both the desire to give love and the desire to receive it can ultimately be satisfied by giving out your own truth.
The most natural way to radiate pure love is to allow the whole truth of your own inner being to simply flow freely from within you. Our whole truth has two main aspects. These are love for self and love for others. I generally call these aspects the masculine and feminine for simplicity of expression and because they relate to the qualities of being that are traditionally associated with the male and female gender.
Each of us is a unique expression of the beauty and perfection of Creation. Expressing that uniqueness is the role of the masculine aspect of our true nature. Each of us is also connected by love to the truth of all other beings. Expressing that love for the truth of others is the role or our feminine side. We need to love, appreciate, enjoy and fully and harmoniously express both these aspects of ourselves in order to be truly comfortable within ourselves and to attain complete fulfilment in any situation we encounter.
Jealousy can arise out of the unfulfilled expression of either the masculine or the feminine aspect of an individual's truth. Although the associated blocks could be primarily on either the masculine aspect of the truth or the feminine aspect, a block on one aspect frequently has negative effects on the other.
The freely given and open expression of its own unique nature is the masculine’s contribution to unconditional love. The masculine aspect of the self wants to fully express its own unique nature. It wants to perceive this expression as a gift to life, as a source of pleasure to others and as its own particular contribution to the harmony and beauty of creation. It wants to self-generate love by being itself. It wants to create the life it desires for itself by the free and full flow of its own truth. By the giving out of itself in this free and open way, it aligns and comes into harmony with everything else that is giving itself in the same way, which includes everything in Nature. It also then provides inspiration and potential healing for those who are not yet able to fully express their own masculine side.
Initially, whilst it is still growing into maturity, the masculine side ideally needs to receive a returning response of love from the feminine of others and will flourish whenever this love is available. In its fully mature state it will still enjoy receiving the freely given love of others but will no longer need to receive it in order to express itself. It will continue to express itself even in the presence of criticism or jealousy in the knowing that this expression is right and good and an essential part of what it is here for.
When any aspect of your own masculine is blocked, you may be jealous of someone else because they are actually fully expressing a similar aspect aspect of their own truth. Alternatively (or as well) you may be jealous of them because someone else is offering them love, support, money or/and other emotional or material rewards to help them to express that aspect of truth. (Love, money and other material/emotional rewards are pretty much interchangeable in this context.)
In any situation in which your jealousy arises from your desire for a particular aspect of your own truth to be received, loved and/or supported by the feminine of others, you will be fundamentally looking for nurturing for this aspect of your truth. This usually happens when there was a deficiency of nurturing for that aspect of your soul during your childhood and you are still craving that nurturing now. You may manage to find someone to nurture you but a more reliable option would be to really appreciate these aspects of your own truth and give them your own love. In this situation it is really helpful to allow yourself to feel open hearted love for someone else who is openly expressing these aspects. This is where inspiration can help you. The more you love an aspect of soul in someone else the easier it becomes to love that same aspect in yourself.
Sometimes your surface desire may be for a truth/truth essence exchange (fully expressed truth meeting fully expressed truth and each being received by the others love, as in true friendship and perfect sexual interchange). If you find yourself feeling jealousy associated with this desire, the underlying cause of your jealousy will be that either your masculine or your feminine aspect is not yet fully mature and you are still seeking its validation through the desired relationship. In this situation, your predominant desire may be to give your masculine’s truth to a particular person and be received with their love, it may be to give your feminine’s love to that person’s truth and experience the pleasure of seeing that truth in full flow or it may be a mixture of both. If you then see that person freely receiving what another gives but not what is given by you, you may become jealous of both parties and of their whole relationship rather than directing your jealousy towards one individual.
Those who have difficulty expressing the masculine aspect of their own truth to the full are invariably going to have associated difficulty with truth/truth essence exchanges, as you cannot meet the fully expressed truth of another being in such an exchange unless you can bring forward your own truth to an equal degree.
Jealousy arising out of the feminine
Jealousy arising out of the feminine is jealousy which is felt towards someone else's capacity to feel and express love for the truth of other beings. The feminine expresses its love for truth in several distinct ways. There is the unconditional love that is directed towards the genuinely helpless. There is the nurturing form of love for truth that is naturally directed towards growing beings wherever necessary to support that growth. This type of love will naturally stand aside when no further support is needed but often naturally evolves into love for perfectly expressed truth. The feminine’s natural contribution to healing is the ability to see through the negativity/untruth that is being expressed on someone’s surface and give love to the truth that lies at the core. By seeing and giving love to that truth, you support it to come forward and dispel the surrounding negativity with its own light.
f you are feeling jealousy towards someone else’s feminine, you may find yourself jealous of their capacity to give love either as a nurturing or as a healing energy. If you are jealous of someone else's ability to nurture, your jealousy may be directed towards particular qualities of being, such as their patience, their tolerance, their ability to encourage and/or their ability to just be there with pure unconditional love. If you are jealous of someone's capacity to give love as a healing energy, you may be jealous of their ability to deal with the waste and pollution of others and/or of their ability to see through the surface blocks and masks, give love to the soul within and so help to restore truth to its natural free and open flow. Alternatively you may find your jealousy is predominantly directed towards someone else’s capacity or opportunity to give pure love to perfectly expressed truth.
The unconditional, nurturing and healing aspects of the feminine’s love all give support to the growth of truth. Once someone’s truth has grown to full maturity, the feminine then offers it her love for perfectly expressed truth. This is our natural response to the visible expression of someone else’s soul. We feel it whenever we experience someone radiating what they truly are directly from within themselves in any way. This is the kind of love we feel when we see someone do something really well. It is the love that opens the heart fully, that generates feelings of delight and pleasure and quite frequently of awe at the sheer beauty and perfection in what we see or experience coming from some other being. It’s the feeling we are describing when we say ‘it made my heart sing’. The heart is singing with the pure love and joy that the feminine naturally feels in the presence of perfectly expressed truth. We may feel this in response to a perfect work of art, a perfect turn of phrase, a perfectly expressed piece of comedy. We may feel it in direct response to the works of creation as expressed in Nature. We may feel it when we see a mother loving her child, someone dealing with another person’s aggression really well, someone recovering themselves after a mistake of any kind and carrying on to continue to give the full focus of their love and attention to whatever it was they were undertaking. We will also naturally feel it whenever we experience ourselves perfectly expressing any aspect of our own truth.
We are naturally drawn to perfect expression of the soul, even if it comes in a form with which we have no previous affinity. I read recently that most of the large numbers of women who watch rugby have no understanding about the game’s rules of play but watch for a chance to see Jonny Wilkinson. I sympathise entirely! It’s not so much his physique that attracts me, (although he is gorgeous!) it’s his integrity and the innate beauty of being that radiates from him when he puts his whole heart into what he is doing.
Beauty of being can emerge anywhere, in any moment. I remember being in a pub in London with my youngest son and my daughter. She was flowing with joy and delight and laughing as she told us about the funny things she had done in her job. She looked lovely anyway and was a pleasure to watch. Then at one point her arm moved naturally outwards in a beautiful gesture of expansion. The flow of that gesture was perfect. I am sure if someone had captured the energy of it in light and colour it would have been a work of art!
Sometimes this beauty can show itself where it is completely unexpected. There is a letter I have kept which was rejecting something I had offered to give. The letter was written with absolute grace. The wording and the writing itself were perfect. It was a complete inspiration. Later, when I spoke to the man who wrote it, he said he had rewritten it several times. He had been given the task of telling me something he didn’t want to tell me and he knew I didn’t want to hear but he had put his heart into it and the end result was a piece of his soul – worth far more to me than whatever it was I was being rejected for.
There are thousands of things I could mention that give me this intense pleasure, instances of perfection, small and large; my grandson’s beautiful sturdy little legs and the joy bubbling through his laughter, David Gilmour’s guitar playing, Terry Pratchett’s discworld character Death, the dahlias, tulips, roses and begonias in my garden, the smell of the earth in autumn, red hot stones in a sweat lodge, Bill Bailey’s live performances, Rudolf Nureyev leaping and twirling with consummate grace, Marilyn Monroe in Some Like it Hot, John Cleese in the parrot sketch and A Fish Called Wanda as well as thousands of instances of times I have spent with other people when their soul’s truth flowed from them in some form of perfect expression. For every one of these instances of perfect expression of someone else’s soul I am immensely grateful. Each gives me an opportunity to feel the intense pleasure that is always generated by the full flow of my own feminine’s love for fully expressed truth.
Sometimes your feminine’s jealousy may occur when you see someone involved in a relationship in which they are totally pouring out the whole of their love for someone else's fully expressed truth and receiving both that other’s love and their fully expressed truth in return. In this situation the jealousy may just be directed towards the other person’s ability to love with their whole heart or it may include the desire to be loved in return. In the latter situation, both the masculine and feminine aspects of your being are involved in your jealousy.
In all the above situations, the fundamental problem is that you are not sufficiently sure of certain aspects of your own truth. If you do not know you have the capacity to express these particular qualities of being you are likely to be jealous of someone who is clearly expressing them. If you know you have them within you but lack confidence in their expression, you are likely to direct your jealousy towards situations where these qualities are being supported by others, especially when they are being supported with love, as this is the best support we can have.
Possessive and destructive jealousy
Jealousy can be either possessive or destructive. Not everyone responds with aggressive jealousy to the sight of someone expressing an aspect of truth which is blocked in themselves. Some people respond with possessiveness. They want to be close to that person, to own that person if they can.
Possessive jealousy takes various forms. Those whose possessive jealousy is directed towards another person’s masculine, will want to be physically close to that person as a way of experiencing their own truth by proxy. Those whose possessive jealousy is directed towards someone else’s feminine will basically want that other person to love their truth.
Possessiveness of someone else’s feminine
The most common form of possessive jealousy is that which comes from those who are looking for nurturing or healing of their truth. The possessiveness is then felt towards someone who is seen as providing whatever nurturing/healing energies are thought to be needed. This is similar to the jealousy felt by a child who still needs its mother’s love when it sees her giving love to some other child. This kind of possessive jealousy sometimes happens within a relationship when the first baby is born. If the father has been previously eliciting nurturing from the mother towards blocked aspects of his own self-expression, he may become intensely jealous when the infant’s genuine need for the full-on nurturing of unconditional love displaces his manipulative need. There are men who refuse to allow their partners to breast feed their own child. This is generally a manifestation of possessive jealousy.
Possessive jealousy amongst adults can be naturally resolved in the same way as that of a child. If the other person does give a sufficient amount of the right kind of love to the possessive person’s truth, the truth will grow and the situation will resolve itself. Once the need for nurturing and loving support is fully met, the jealousy will dissolve like mist in the sunshine of the growing individual’s own truth. Then they can go on to develop good and satisfying truth/truth relationships.
Sometimes, however, the needy, possessive person may happen to hook up with someone who is looking for someone else to nurture in order to fulfil chronically frustrated desires of their own feminine. Then the person whose love they are possessive of may in turn become possessive of the originally possessive person’s need! This can become as complicated as it sounds and the originally possessive individual may end up not completing their own growth and remaining indefinitely dependent.
The true nature of the feminine is to give nurturing and healing wherever it is genuinely needed, so the feminine is not naturally inclined to focus all its nurturing love on one being. Even when the feminine is giving unconditional love to a newborn baby, there will be plenty of time for her to love others whilst her infant is asleep.
The facts are that whenever there is a genuine need, i.e. a truly dependent state, the universe does provide an appropriate inflow of unconditional love from somewhere. Thus, if the possessively jealous individual does have a genuine need, he or she may just need to let go of the possessiveness and open more widely to receive what is needed from where it is willing to come. Growth/healing will then take place and the situation will naturally resolve. However, if there is simply a perceived but non-genuine need, this natural inflow will not be forthcoming. In this situation, the person who believes him/herself to have such a need will usually have to resort to some form of manipulation in order to elicit the desired attention from their chosen nurturer/healer. Thus most of the people who succeed in possessively holding on to someone whom they have chosen to place in the role of personal nurturer or healer will have to do it by means of manipulative strategies such as eliciting guilt through manifesting extreme need or distress. This means that neither growth nor healing can take place, so the situation cannot resolve itself.
In those situations in which the jealous individual wants nurturing or healing for his or her own blocked areas of truth, he or she may become so possessive of someone with strong nurturing/healing abilities that he/she refuses to allow that nurturing/healing energy to go towards anyone else. Since the pleasure and fulfilment of the feminine ultimately lies in loving and supporting the full-flowing expression of truth in all beings, the feminine side of the chosen healer/nurturer will be seriously frustrated by this situation.
Fortunately we have an innate sensitivity to whether an apparent need is genuine or self-generated. In any case where there is a genuine need for the flow of our own truth into the situation, our hearts will naturally and willingly open, our love/truth will flow feely and we will have a plentiful sufficiency of life force to carry us through the whole period of meeting the need. Afterwards we will feel fulfilled and, even if we are tired, it will be a nice relaxed fulfilled type of tiredness, the type that simply welcomes rest at the end of a good day. However, if the apparent need has been self-generated with manipulative intent, our hearts will close, we will feel reluctant to give our time/energy/attention into the situation and, if we do give way to the manipulation, we will find it stressful and exhausting, leaving an agitated, drained and unsatisfied type of tiredness in its wake. We will also usually feel resentful!
As a result of these natural reactions to manipulative intent, the individuals with the apparent need are not likely to end up getting much genuine love from those they are holding on to, even though they do manage to get their time and attention! So it is difficult for the situation to come to a satisfactory resolution unless at least one of the parties involved begins to look inwards and follow their true feelings rather than simply living out learned patterns of manipulation, reaction and the tendency to control and be controlled by guilt. Unfortunately this type of situation often occurs between children (particularly daughters) and their elderly parents, as a parent who has been accustomed to manipulating for ‘love’ will generally acquire more ammunition for that manipulation from the growing incapacities that often arrive with increasing age. By contrast, a parent who has always been consistently true to him or herself will find that his/her genuine needs will always be willingly and lovingly met by someone in the immediate environment.
Possessiveness of someone else’s masculine
In situations in which possessive jealousy is being directed towards another person’s masculine, the jealousy may also express itself in various ways. Someone may feel possessive jealousy towards someone else who is already radiating the qualities of being they themselves would like to be radiating and simply want to be with them all the time. Alternatively, rather than being jealous of someone because you want to be like them yourself, possessive jealousy may express itself through wanting someone else to be like you. The jealous individual then desires to own the object of their jealousy so that the object can be used to express the blocked aspects of his/her own truth. Thus someone may be possessively jealous of a child because they want to use that child to fulfil their own unfulfilled dreams and desires. They want to own the child so that they can direct its actions and generate some kind of second-hand fulfilment by getting it to express the unexpressed aspects of their own truth.
When possessive jealousy desires to own its object in order to vicariously experience the flow of blocked aspects of its own truth, it is basically hoping that, by hanging around within that person’s auric field, it will be able to bathe in the flow of that person’s truth. Then because that truth resembles blocked aspects of its own truth, it can passively absorb the feelings of what it would be like to be like that. This is fundamentally just a way of seeking inspiration.
If the inspiration is allowed to do its natural work, the jealous individual should be able to absorb what they need and then go on to express those same qualities of being for themselves, thus dissolving their possessive craving. However, if the possessive individual happens to have very strong blocks on the aspect(s) of truth they are possessive of, they may not even allow themselves to begin to access these same aspects of truth within themselves. In this situation, they will remain possessively jealous of that person’s physical presence because they will be using that other person’s energy to fill a gap in their own aura with the energy that is supposed to be filled with their own truth. Thus if that person is not there they will experience sadness, craving and loss on the lines of “I can’t live if living is without you” .However the truth really is that they can’t live if living is without their own truth and the person they are possessive of is simply expressing a truth they already have within themselves! Being with the other person has helped them feel ‘complete’ rather than empty but this is a false sense of completeness as the completeness they really need can only be produced by the full flow of their own truth.
This kind of possessive jealousy can often be experienced as a desire for a sexual connection. After all, the physical act of having sex is a pretty good way to get you within someone else’s auric field! This is one of the reasons why adults who feel themselves to be irretrievably contaminated by life may want to have sexual contact with the pure energy of young children. They may be jealous of the state of purity that comes with innocence and so choose a child as the object of their attention. One mistake these adults are making is to believe that it is not possible for them to return to a pure state. As a result of this mistake they may want to absorb the child’s truth into themselves by means of close sexual contact. Alternatively, they may want to contaminate the child’s innocence as an act of jealous resentment on the grounds that it is not fair (or even actually cruel) for someone to be able to radiate such a pure inner light when they themselves are no longer able to do so. However, the truth is that everyone always has direct access to the source of their own being, everyone is able to reconnect with their own truth, which is always held somewhere deep within them, and everyone is completely supported by Creation to do this no matter how far their own actions may seem to have separated them from the truth, beauty and harmony of Creation’s reality.
All jealousy begins by being possessive - that is it wants what someone else has. The moment the jealous individual comes to believe that it can never have what it wants, the jealousy then tends to become destructive. This is because it is deeply painful to watch someone else enjoying what you either need or desire whilst believing that you can never have it for yourself. Thus you may find yourself tempted to destroy what they have, rather than continuing to endure being reminded of your own inability to have it.
Although this is not its original intent, the possessive/ownership type of jealousy often ends up by being destructive as well. This type of possessive jealousy automatically becomes destructive the moment it succeeds in any of its objectives. For example, when a parent who is not expressing its own truth, projects that truth onto a child and offers that child love for expressing it, the parent is not really loving the child, it is simply loving its own projection of its own truth. Nevertheless, the child may be still motivated to try to be what the parent wants out of love or compassion for that parent. Alternatively, this may appear to be the only way the child can draw that parent’s love towards itself. If the child is willing to do its best to express the parent's truth for it, the parent is likely to then become possessive of the child.
Whenever a child in this situation ends up giving most of its life force to expressing its parent's truth rather than its own, this becomes a potentially destructive situation for the child. The child's own truth is being suppressed/deprived of necessary nurturing, therefore its growth is going to be inhibited. Unless this situation is redressed, the child’s own life cannot then come to fulfilment.
It may be that the child’s truth is actually similar to the blocked aspects of truth in its parent, so being encouraged to express that truth is not initially a problem. However, the problem here is that if the child does start to succeed in expressing its own truth so well that it begins to fulfil the dreams that are still unfulfilled in the parent and the parent fails to take inspiration from the child and still remains blocked, then the parent is liable to feel pain and sadness on its own behalf and may become destructively jealous towards the very achievements it has previously encouraged in the child! When parents say, “I am happy for you” in a certain rather dull tone of voice, it is pretty clear that they are fundamentally jealous, even though they are making a valiant effort to conceal it.
Similarly, when someone has difficulties with the expression of the feminine aspect of their love through healing or nurturing and manages to find someone else who is open to receive these energies from them, they may become so possessive of that person’s need that they never want them to grow or heal and become fully self-sufficient. They may also become jealous of anyone else that person may need as well. Then, in order to maintain the position of being the sole provider of the required nurturing or healing energy, they may try to prevent those they are currently healing or nurturing from receiving things they may need from others. So again, the jealousy could be frustrating growth and thereby destroying that second person’s opportunities for personal fulfilment. If the jealousy succeeds in its object of maintaining dependency, this will also backfire on the jealous individual as it will destroy his or her opportunity to eventually have a truth/truth essence exchange with the object of their jealousy.
Blocks on either the masculine or feminine aspects of truth can end up generating destructive patterns within relationships. Many relationships end up being based on mutual need rather than on mutual pleasure in fully expressed truth. This can be because someone who has already established a relationship based on need is going to be fearful if their chosen partner begins to grow. They may then become possessively jealous of that partner and be tempted to frustrate that growth, perhaps with criticism and other forms of undermining intended to keep that person in a needy/dependent state. Alternatively they may choose to escalate their own apparent need in order to hold the partner in a state of guilt. This too is clearly destructive even if it is not the direct, focussed virulent attack we are accustomed to associate with destructive jealousy. Some people are so possessive that they will resort to generating illness, ‘accidents’ or other threats to their own survival in order to keep someone’s love or attention focussed towards themselves. By drawing someone's love into a focussed flow towards themselves and attempting to restrict that flow from being expressed towards anyone else besides themselves, they are setting that person up to be frustrated. They are limiting the pleasure and fulfilment which would naturally come to that person if he or she were to express their feminine’s love in the generous, expansive way which is the true nature of the soul.
If such a situation is maintained for a long period, the frustrated feminine will eventually become extremely sad, as a natural result of the continuing restriction of the free outward flow of its own truth. Since that sadness will accumulate over time, someone who does allow themselves to continue to remain controlled, will certainly eventually develop feelings of resentment towards the person who is holding them possessively in thrall. Spending your life filled with resentment leaves little room for the flow of truth and destroys all prospects of genuine fulfilment. (It does however leave you with the potential to settle for the low level satisfaction of revenge by making others feel guilty and responsible for your suffering!) In such situations, the jealously possessed individual is likely to also end up becoming jealous in their turn.
One of the worst relationship scenarios is that which includes someone who has reacted to jealousy directed towards themselves in childhood by coming to believe that certain aspects of their truth cause harm or pain to others. If this person takes up with someone who is filled with destructive jealousy towards those same aspects of truth, the individual who believes him/herself to be responsible for others’ pain may then self-punishingly allow this destructive jealousy to destroy his or her life. In this type of scenario, the destructively jealous individual will be possessive of the person he/she has chosen as an object for the discharge of their accumulated venom whilst the person who is being discharged over may be possessive of the person chosen to mete out punishment. Nightmare!
Of course in all the above situations, the individual towards whom the possessive jealousy is being directed has choice whether or not to become involved in an interaction with the jealous individual.
The good news to follow all these ghastly dramas is that once you realise that jealousy is functional, you can then make use of any situation of either possessive or destructive jealousy to either help you to clarify your own truth and release blocks to its free flow and/or help the person who is jealous of you to do the same. The first step towards doing this is to understand your own jealousy.
Before starting on the following exercise to help you to clarify and begin resolving your own jealousy, it is useful to bear in mind that the type and degree of jealousy is directly related to the developmental stage of the jealous individual. This will help you to see the point at which your own growth suffered a set-back and help you to go about providing yourself with the most appropriate type of self-nurturing.
For example, the most powerful feelings of jealousy which arise out of the desire to receive unconditional love from others are felt by those whose blocked aspects of truth either are, or are perceived to be, in the infant or otherwise dependent state.
Young children are more likely to be jealous of loving support that is given to creative self-expression. As they become older, if they still continue to feel unable to express their own truth, they are likely to also become jealous of that expression itself. So if you feel jealousy towards someone who seems to have all the support they need (love, money, encouragement etc.) to do their own thing, it is likely that your blocks occurred when you were still a child but had already passed through the need for unconditional love and were wanting the direct nurturing of being loved for your truth.
If your jealousy is directed towards someone who is simply doing their thing and you want to be close to them or be like them, then you are seeking the indirect nurturing of inspiration, which suggests that there was a lack of such inspiration in your own childhood environment.
The greatest jealousy experienced towards the equal giving and receiving of truth with other beings is felt by those who are in the adolescent and early adult state where there is a strong natural desire for sexual flow and the essence exchange of truth. So if find yourself jealous of fully expressed truth in others and/or of love that is given for fully expressed truth, this means that the blocks on the flow of your truth are likely to have started when you had reached the stage of being able to express your own truth reasonably well but were not yet fully self-sufficient in that expression or confident that the steady continuance in it would eventually bring you all the good connections your heart truly desired.
In general, the need for unconditional love is greatest until such time as a child can feed itself and is then gradually replaced by a need for supportive love for developing truth. Around the age of two or three, the child also begins to seek out the additional support of inspiration. By the age of seven it should have a fairly good sense of its own nature and be looking for peer group truth/truth connections. By fourteen, in an ideal situation, it will be potentially capable of organising its own growth and development by learning from its own experiences and will have passed through the stages of needing love or inspiration from others. Always remember that you are only ever going to be really jealous of something you see in someone else if you already have a very similar thing within yourself but feel unable to fully express it. So if you do feel any form of either possessive or destructive jealousy, the first question you need to ask yourself is, “What precisely am I feeling jealous of?” The next thing you need to do is acknowledge that the capacity to be the way you see that other person being or to have whatever it is you see them having is already innate within you. Then the task in front of you is to set that aspect of your own truth free from whatever is currently blocking its natural flow.
One way you can tell whether the thing you admire in someone else is also part of your own truth is to look at your solar plexus. Your heart will naturally open to any clear expression of truth. Your solar plexus however will resonate most strongly with any truth that resembles your own. You may experience this as a feeling of affinity with that person or simply as a direct outpouring of warmth from your solar plexus to theirs. The same principle applies to jealousy. If you have a strong feeling of jealous hatred towards someone that focuses itself directly on their solar plexus, then whatever it is your jealousy wants to attack in them has in all likelihood already been attacked and suppressed by jealousy coming from someone else towards you.
If you find yourself feeling jealous of love you see being received by others, then it is worth taking a few moments to see what kind of love it is you feel you want. Observe your own desires. Do you want to be wrapped around in total safety and warmth (need for unconditional love) or do you want someone to see who you really are and love that (need to be loved for your own truth). Do you want them to love a particular aspect of your truth and encourage it when you express it tentatively (need for nurturing) or do you want them to see through all the blocks you have laid over it and recognise it as your truth and feed it with love (need for healing). It is worth taking time to clearly discern and understand the nature of the jealousy you have because it will make a difference to the way you approach resolving it.When you look at and analyse your own list, you may find that you are predominantly jealous of either the masculine or feminine in others. This will depend on the influences of your own early environment and perhaps also on your physical gender in this lifetime. Acknowledging any imbalance between your masculine and feminine will make it easier to know where to direct your attention in order to resolve your jealousy.
The great thing about jealousy is that it draws our attention to examples of what we need and shows us that what we need can exist. You can then use these examples to further the development of your own growth.
So, in order to begin helping yourself to relieve your feelings of jealousy by developing your own truth, write these qualities down on a separate piece of paper and then write your name above them. Then write ‘I am/I have ……’ in between your name and the qualities. Then read the whole thing aloud to yourself, beginning with your name and stating the “I am/have these things” or “my true nature is …” as for example, “My true nature is to have pleasure in my own physical body, to love of my own grace of physical being and its natural expression. It is to feel relaxed and enjoy the pleasure of easy, warm and direct playful exchanges with others. It is part of my true self to feel relaxed and confident whilst physically expressing my own warmth, love and pleasure in others and whilst receiving their love warmth and pleasure in me. I know my truth is like a steady flame both within and radiating around me.” You could help to internalise this statement by repeating it regularly over the next few days or weeks.
When you were writing your jealousy list, you may have found that your jealousy of someone was accompanied by anger. This is often the kind of anger which comes from feeling hurt. That other person's free expression of the aspect of truth you desire to express for yourself is reminding you of all your own pain in the blocking of it within yourself. Thus their free expression of it is experienced by you as actually hurting you. There is a specific quality to this kind of 'hurt' anger. It is not the same as the anger at imposition, when someone invades your boundaries, which is more the anger of outrage. This 'hurt' anger is the anger of unendurable pain, like "I am already feeling so hurt how could you hurt me more?" It resembles the anger you might feel if you had a very painful leg or serious sunburn and someone knocked against you accidentally. There is a sort of expectation in you that others will (or should!) know how hurt you feel and therefore avoid adding to it; so often there is, in addition to the hurt, a sense of disappointed expectation or betrayal, "How could you?" as if the other person had hurt you on purpose. But they haven't, they are not even thinking about your pain. Rightly, they are just getting on with doing their own thing. Their doing what they want only causes you pain because you are not doing what you want! That is not their fault or their responsibility. It is not up to them to protect or be careful of you in this situation. It is up to you to get on with being yourself rather than feeling hurt by those who could otherwise be an inspiration to you.
Unfortunately (though it clearly has survival value in a situation of physical danger) the natural reactive response to being hurt is to hurt back! The more important this particular quality of being is to you, and the more completely you have suppressed it, the more deeply your hurt will be felt and the more intense your instinctive desire for revenge and your associated destructive feelings towards that other person will be. What is more, if you have originally suppressed this quality of being in yourself out of love for a parent and the belief that it was causing that parent pain, fear or any other kind of harm, you will see that other person's expression as also threatening that beloved parent. So the person you are jealous of will become 'the enemy' and thus 'deserving' of destruction because not only are they hurting you, they are also threatening to hurt someone you love! The violent attacks which successful individuals frequently receive from the press, media and general public are often due to this kind of jealousy.
If you do feel angry with someone you are also feeling jealous of, try looking carefully at what particular aspect of their expression seems to 'hurt' you. For example many people feel 'hurt' when someone else doesn't 'consider' them but instead does what he or she wants. This means that they themselves would actually really prefer to freely follow their own feelings but have suppressed and controlled their own free expression in order to either avoid attack or/and gain 'love' from or give 'love' to someone else, usually a parent. Then they end up feeling jealous of those who simply go about following their own inner feelings and tend to feel justified in attacking them in the same way that they were attacked when they originally did the same.
If your jealousy includes really intensely hostile, critical or destructive feelings towards some individual then this means that you have a very strong block on the particular form of expression you are jealous of. In other words it means that you genuinely believe you can never be like that or have what you want in that area. However this quality is still a part of your soul's truth or you would not feel the jealousy. Your jealousy is simply telling you that it is the innate and natural desire of your own soul to express this quality of being from within yourself.
Whenever some aspect of your truth ends up being so deeply suppressed that its only manifestation in yourself is the feeling of destructive jealousy , it is likely that you had some sort of aura shock when you were expressing it as a child, so you will need to read the section on this subject before trying to sort out this particular area of your jealousy.
It is extremely important to realise here that any quality which you find yourself jealous or envious of is already yours. Therefore you do have the potential to express it. All the help you need to develop that quality is already offered by Creation’s perfect love. All you have to do is allow yourself to receive that support. Sometimes it is enough just to acknowledge that you really are like that, and then just let that quality of being flow freely out of you. If you are restricting the flow of some aspect of your truth because you are afraid of hurting someone else, you need to relax into the certain knowing that truth in its pure state never hurts anyone. It is the suppression, distortion of and resistance to truth which causes pain.
We now need to start using the information you already have about your own feelings of jealousy to bring you closer to the expression of your own truth. A good place to start is with the jealousy that desires to receive nurturing.
If you find that your jealousy list is filled with the desire for someone else to love you, this often indicates that your growth was disrupted in some way. The most likely reason why you have not been able to reach the stage of self-sufficient generation of love for your own truth is that some aspects of your truth were imperfectly nurtured in your own childhood.
Jealousy and an unfulfilled need for nurturing
The natural processes of growth bring us from the state of needing external support for our truth (in the forms of direct love and/or inspiration) towards the state of being able to self-generate all the love we need by aligning with our own core truth and letting it flow fully and freely into its natural and complete expression. A natural stage in this process is to start to observe our own self-expression and to feel love for and pride in ourselves whenever we do manage to express our inner being really well. As we proceed with developing our own abilities to express inner truth, we provide ourselves with more and more self-generated love, appreciation and self-respect until we eventually cease to need any additional supply of love from outside ourselves.
Perfect nurturing will help to bring truth through all its natural stages of growth into full expression. Perfect nurturing is a process that begins with unconditional love and gradually moves through the stages of loving support and inspiration until it reaches the final stage of pure love for fully expressed truth. It will leave the nurtured individual strong, confident and relaxed in the certainty that allowing his or her own truth to flow freely and naturally into expression will bring about everything that he or she desires.
Perfect nurturing starts with the soft, protective wrapping of pure unconditional love. This love is freely and abundantly provided, regardless of what is being expressed by the infant being to whom it is being given. As the infant begins to grow, it begins to actively express its own truth. At this point it needs to experience the feeling of being loved for that truth. It will already have the feedback of its own natural pleasure in its own self-expression to motivate it to continue to express its core truth. However, at the early stages of its growth, it ideally needs to also experience love for its expressed truth coming from outside itself. This will encourage it to continue expressing truth and also create the belief about life that its own truth is enough to bring it all the love that it desires.
As the child grows and starts to generate more and more pleasure in itself as well as receiving more and more love for being itself, its need for unconditional love will steadily diminish and, in a healthy nurturing situation, the natural flow of this type of love will gradually draw back. Ideally it will always be there when it is really needed but will have been largely replaced by a steady inflow of pure love for truth.
Alongside the process of receiving a direct inflow of love for truth from someone else’s feminine, the child also ideally needs to experience the nurturing provided by other people’s fully expressed masculine. The masculine provides a nurturing environment by the steady and committed expression of its own truth. Someone who is relaxed and confident in the expression of any aspect of their own inner being will provide an atmosphere in which others can relax and develop their own confidence in these same areas of self-expression. So a child will naturally move on from its need to be totally bathed with the feminine’s love towards a desire to hang out in the presence of the love which is generated by other people’s fully expressed masculine. It will naturally experience an increasing desire to follow the inspiration given by the masculine aspect of others and thereby gradually learn to self-generate love from within itself by a similar clear and confident expression of its own core truth. Once it can do this, it will have no further need for external nurturing and can move on to develop its own abilities to fully express the whole of its own truth, including the ability to nurture others.
The fundamental aim of all nurturing and healing is to support others to grow into a state of full spiritual maturity. To become confident and successful in adult life the child needs to be able to access its own core truth at will, regardless of the presence of inimical environmental energies. It needs to know that what it is is enough, that being true to itself will give pleasure to itself and to others, that being true to itself will help it find its own right path, bring it health, happiness and fulfilment and facilitate really good truth/truth connections with others. It can be helped towards knowing all these things by receiving adequate amounts of love for its expressed truth in childhood.
Imperfect nurturing can show itself through a deficiency of unconditional love, a deficiency of love for expressed truth or a deficiency of suitable inspiration. I will deal with each of these in turn but, as they are often bound up with other, much of what I am saying will have a tendency to overlap.
Resolving the need for unconditional love
If you did not receive sufficient unconditional love in your own childhood, you may remain or become jealous of those you have seen receiving it. This can include your own children, especially if you see them getting unconditional love from the person you most wanted to receive it from in your own childhood (e.g. one of your own parents).
If you do find that your jealousy is currently directed towards those who are receiving unconditional love, it helps to remind yourself that the whole process of growth is naturally directed towards the eventual mastery of the ability to self-generate love by radiating truth. We are supposed to naturally move on from being completely surrounded by unconditional love coming entirely from outside ourselves to the mature state of knowing we can always self-generate love by radiating our own truth from within ourselves. So the need for unconditional love from outside the self is only supposed to be temporary, like a fence round a young tree that keeps it safe until it is big and strong enough not to need any protection. It is just a soft blanket wrapped around babies until they are ready to bring forward their own truth. Once you know that you can suffuse your whole being with pure love at any time simply by radiating what is already within you freely outwards into your own life, then you will no longer need to receive love from others. This doesn’t mean that you won’t enjoy it! You may be a brilliant cook and never need anyone else to cook for you but you can still really enjoy it when they do.
So if you find yourself being jealous of people with doting parents or partners who provide them with everything they might possibly want, just try bearing in mind that the real pleasure in life is to be yourself, to feel the power your own truth has to create the life and relationships you desire, to feel safe within your own skin, to know what resources you have and how to use them well, to know that the full being of yourself is a gift to life and a contribution to Creation’s perfect reality. Trust that you are innately capable of reaching that desirable state. Then commit yourself to doing everything within your own power to support yourself to reach it, including being open to receiving any nurturing you do still genuinely need, which will be provided. Before doing this just bear in mind that an over-extended period of being ‘unconditionally’ loved can actually inhibit growth into the desired state of maturity.
It is wonderful to receive a clear flow of love for our truth but it can also be very helpful to experience an absence of such love when we are not being true to ourselves. Getting unconditional love all the time regardless of whether you express truth or not can be a bit like always getting all your sums marked right even when some of them are actually wrong!
Exercise to help with jealousy of those receiving unconditional love
If you find that you still seem to be truly jealous of people receiving unconditional love, just take a few minutes to think about the people who are giving out that unconditional love and simply let yourself imagine that they are giving it to you. Imagine what it would feel like if you were given as much as you want for as long as you want. Holding this image of being surrounded by an endless quantity of unconditional love and tenderness, let yourself completely relax into this feeling and see how it makes you feel. (I usually imagine it like a mass of warm, soft, fluffy, pink and gold cushions but you may hate that image!)
Once you have completely relaxed into what it feels like to be unconditionally loved in the way you desire, hold onto that feeling for a minute or two and then start to extend your awareness back into your own memories, seeking out times when you felt this same feeling. You may not have been consciously aware of being surrounded by unconditional love but the presence of that particular feeling will tell you that you were. You might have felt it when the warmth of the sun was filtering softly into your skin, when you were lying curled up by a glowing fire, when you were floating relaxed in some warm water. The feeling may have come from being in a particular place, or from the presence of an animal, a blanket, a toy or your own thumb. It might have been from some stranger. It might have been from someone else in your family. It might have been from your angels/imaginary friends. It might have come from a favourite tree or from a den under the bushes where you felt safe. The love you are craving when you see it being obviously given to others has always also been there for you. It will have always been made available to you by Creation in some form or other. If the unconditional love you needed as a baby was not willingly given to you by your parents, Creation would have found ways to provide it, even if that way was to pass it through an apparently inanimate object like a blanket or a teddy bear.
If it is difficult for you to even begin to see Creation as a benevolent and consistent giver of perfect and pure love, this is generally because you were not consistently given pure love in your own childhood. During our early childhood years we tend to look at our parents and see them as representative of the whole world. We (reasonably but erroneously!) conclude that the way they are is the way life is and that if they do not love us as we would wish to be loved then no-one else will. But this is not true. If you open yourself to the possibility that Creation will always offer you whatever kind of love you need, then you will see that it was there and that the real problem was your wanting it from someone who couldn’t give it to you for their own reasons. The feeling of being filled with pure unconditional love for another being is so blissfully satisfying that anyone who doesn’t/couldn’t give it to their own child must have had their own powerful reasons for not doing so. There are many possibilities.
The most obvious of these is that their parents treated them in the way they ended up treating you. If you look for these reasons, you will see them and then, hopefully, you will be able to stop taking your parents’ lack of perfect love for you personally and be willing instead to take any unconditional love you still truly need from wherever it is freely given.
If you continue to feel a lack of unconditional love after doing this exercise, the next step is to simply accept your need and go about asking the universe to meet it. You can treat this as an experiment. Just remember, as with all well conducted experiments, you need to be completely open to the evidence. (Stay observant in case you miss it when it comes!) In particular make sure that you remember that it is no good asking for what you want to come from a particular person as that would be potentially interfering with their free will and this is never a good plan. Resolving the need to receive nurturing as love for your core truth
Jealousy arising from an unfulfilled desire to receive love for expressed truth generally arises as a consequence of parental failure to provide an adequate flow of nurturing/supporting love for truth during your childhood. Even though you may have received an abundance of unconditional love, this may not have followed the natural progression to a love for your truth.
The main reason why nurturing fails to shift naturally from unconditional love to love for truth is jealousy in the nurturer. In this situation the parent/main nurturer sees the child expressing its own inner light and/or particular qualities of being that have been blocked within him/herself and finds this painful. Even if that pain is not overtly expressed, the child will still be aware of it. The child will soon notice that the mother’s/father’s pain appears to be generated in direct response to the expression of certain aspects of its own truth. It will then naturally try to block these aspects of its own expression.
The more completely a child has been unconditionally loved, the more it will naturally love the nurturer. The more deeply it loves its nurturer, the more inclined it will be to block the expression of the apparently offending aspects of its own truth rather than continue to cause pain to this person it so whole-heartedly loves. In this situation the child might still feel inwardly good about its truth and so choose to be its true self anyway but, because it believes that the expression of its truth is distressing to others, it may only express it when it is alone and simply adjust itself to a life of internal aloneness.
The other common response to any situation in which a child believes that it cannot get love for being its true self is to suppress its own truth altogether and set about finding other ways to obtain the love that it still needs and desires. A child in this situation may choose to regress to the state of need and helplessness in which it previously had a good unconditionally loving connection with the nurturer. This can seriously impair its own natural processes of growth into a mature self-confident state. Besides seeking out the unconditional type of love through manifesting illness or helplessness, it may try to find out what others want it to be and do its best to manifest that instead of its own truth.
The child who sticks to truth despite the expectation of aloneness is likely to be pleasantly surprised, as it will sooner or later encounter people who do love and appreciate its truth or come into contact with people who express similar aspects of their own truth without apparently hurting or upsetting anyone. This will help it to realise that love is available for what it is and its growth to maturity will then proceed apace.
The child who chooses to suppress its truth and attempt to become something other than itself in order to either get love or give pleasure to those it loves, will remain chronically insecure. The source of our strength and confidence in life is the knowing of who we truly are and the experience of the connection between our own truth and the truth of Creation. This is like being a tree that is rooted into the earth. Someone who is dependent on the external support of other’s approval is like a tree with no roots that is only kept alive by being propped up and regularly watered.
Children who were particularly deeply penetrated by the belief that the open expression of their truth has caused intense pain or fear to the parent who gave them unconditional love will usually end up having a very difficult time. Because they perceive their truth as causing extreme distress to a loved one, they may conclude that they themselves are innately ‘bad’ or even ‘evil’. They may then follow a self-destructive/self-punishing path. To begin with they are likely to suppress their truth completely. If it does accidentally leak out, (as truth has a habit of doing!) they will feel guilt ridden and may feel a need to expiate their guilt by some form of self- punishment. Such punishment may include actual self-harm or it may manifest as other types of less obvious self-destructive behaviour. It may take the form of self-denial. They could end up denying themselves any or all of the things they truly desire – including the open and free expression of their own true nature and/or the receiving of love from others for this expression. It can be quite difficult and frustrating to offer love to the truth of someone who has taken this path as, even though they may inwardly desire to receive it, they may feel compelled to consistently block any inflow of pure love for their truth as part of their own self-imposed punishment. People who alternate between being really lovely and really horrible are often being inwardly driven by beliefs that their truth is intrinsically bad and/or that they do not deserve to be loved for it.
People who have followed this path of self-blame in their childhood are liable to become particularly destructive with their jealousy. Because they already believe that certain aspects of their truth are bad and should be punished, besides punishing themselves, they also feel justified in arranging the punishment of anyone else who is manifesting similar aspects of truth. They may even become convinced that they are saving the souls of those others by destroying their bodies altogether in order to make sure that they cannot continue to manifest these supposedly evil aspects of truth!
If you find that you are jealous of someone who is receiving love, support and/ or encouragement for their truth, then it may be that you do genuinely need supplementary nurturing. If you do genuinely need any form of nurturing, it will be being offered to you. However, you may not be allowing yourself to receive it.
Since Creation will always provide whatever you genuinely need to complete your own growth, we need to consider some of the reasons why we may not take up what we need when it is being freely offered. One possibility here is that you are refusing to receive any love/support that is being given for your truth due to your own beliefs that this truth is in some way bad or harmful to others, as I explained above. Another possibility is that you are so focussed on getting love from particular individuals that you do not notice it when it comes from where it is naturally and willingly given.
If you do currently feel yourself to be full of need for a particular form of love from a particular individual, it may be very difficult for you to let go of your attachment to that person because you yourself may believe in this moment that your own need is so great that you want all of that person to yourself! This is rather like being really hungry and imagining you could eat all the strawberries, and not wanting anyone else to have any - until you have eaten your fill - then you feel quite happy to distribute the rest of the three basketfuls in front of you to anyone else who wants them. This is why, in order to let go of the jealousy, possessiveness and manipulation for that person's attention, it will help you to first fully realise that you do not need that person specifically, as your need for that particular quality is already being met by Love (as shown in the following exercise). Once you allow your own needs to be fully met and thus let yourself feel completely fulfilled in that area, you will no longer feel jealous or tempted to divert the focus of someone's attention solely to yourself. Because you are already content, you will feel relaxed and warm and open anyway and you will not mind whether they do or do not give themselves to you. It will be much easier to respect their free-will to give or not to give, as they choose.
Sometimes the problem is that you have just got into the habit of thinking you still need nurturing. This usually occurs when you have already developed your own innate ability to self-generate love from within yourself but someone with a frustrated desire to give nurturing has trained you to believe you still need to receive love/support from outside yourself.
It may have been that you did at one time have a genuinely unfulfilled childhood need to receive the nurturing form of love for your truth. Someone may have then willingly given you that love. This would have been fine whilst you were using that nurturing/healing love to help you to grow. Then you would naturally be ready to receive their love in the form of pleasure in your fully expressed truth.
However, if the person who was nurturing you happened to have blocks on their own masculine side, they may have been unable to give you pure love for your fully expressed truth and may even have felt jealousy towards you. They might then have turned away from you and have preferred to continue to offer their love towards those who were still in need of nurturing rather than attempt to engage in truth/truth exchanges with you or with anyone else. In this situation you could have chosen to do without that particular person’s love. You could have simply have moved on to generate good truth/truth connections with other individuals. However, if you really wanted that particular person to continue to love you, you might have decided instead to maintain a 'needy-dependent-non-fully-self-expressive’ persona in order to maintain the flow of their nurturing love towards you. This is the sort of situation that can lead you to believe that you still need nurturing when you don’t.
Once you allow yourself to be open to receive whatever you need from all around you, you will complete your growth and you will be able to generate all the truth/truth connections you desire and even assist with the nurturing of others. You will then find that your attitude towards the person you originally wanted it from will change. You will be able to stop pulling on them to give their love exclusively to you. You may even feel compassion for them: that they are holding back what they have, limiting their own flow, feeling unable to express their love widely and thereby missing out on the wholeness of the fulfilment they could have from the total outward expression of their truth. Of course it may initially feel painful to let go of that familiar source of love and see it turned away from you towards some other situation of real or apparent need (more painful if it is only apparent need!). However, you will feel really good when they do eventually choose to give the whole of themselves out, and thereby include you in their giving. Meanwhile you will need to accept and be patient with their process, letting them come to the full giving of themselves in their own time, in their own way, knowing that they will come to it, as all beings eventually do.Taking any of the above paths that involve you in focussing your attention on specific individuals, manipulation of others and/or suppression of any aspects of your own truth will ultimately frustrate your own desire to express your own truth at full power. If you don't express your truth at full power, you will never obtain everything you desire, including the kind of love you really want!
Once you become able to self-generate love by expressing your own truth, you will be ready to receive the hugely pleasurable loving connections which arise from any truth/truth exchange. Love for your fully expressed truth coming from someone who is fully expressing their own truth is totally wonderful. Unconditional love, nurturing and healing love for truth are all really pleasurable and can be completely fulfilling if they are given when there is a genuine need for any of them but they cannot compare with the pleasure and fulfilment of perfect truth/truth connections, especially when that truth/truth connection is between you and the whole of Creation. So even if you do believe that you currently need loving support from someone else in order to fully express your own truth, try to remember that the true purpose of this support would be to enable you to eventually become self-sufficient in the full and clear expression of that truth. So you may as well see what you can do to move yourself towards this self-sufficient state rather than waiting and longing for the support you think you need to come from outside yourself.
If you discover that your jealousy is of someone receiving love/encouragement for their expressed truth, then you will need to first accept that you may not have been fully and openly loved for your expressed truth as a child. Once you understand this, then you will need to set yourself the project of coming to love your own truth, as this is the end goal of all good nurturing anyway, whether the nurturing is given to you from outside yourself or has to be done as a d.i.y. project.
In considering jealousy related to your own desire to receive pure love for your expressed truth, always remember that even if you can see someone who is clearly giving out what you feel you need to receive and feel frustrated or hurt that they are withholding it from you, this does not mean that you cannot still have everything you need for your own growth and pleasure. Love always provides. This is its nature. If one source fails to meet a particular need, another is always offered. Meanwhile, you can still let your jealous desire to receive it from a particular source help you to discern what it is you are really looking for and what aspect of your own truth you are trying to develop. Then you can work on developing this aspect of truth from within yourself as well as opening yourself to receive support for it from wherever it is most freely and willingly given.
To gain more detailed insight into any jealousy in yourself which arises from your desire to receive nurturing love and support for particular aspects of your own truth, try this exercise.
EXERCISE ON DEALING WITH JEALOUSY OF THE LOVE AND SUPPORT OTHERS RECEIVE FOR THEIR TRUTH
Write a list of the love, support, appreciation, encouragement, material possessions etc. which you see others receive and which you would like to be given to you. With each item, consider how you would expect to feel if you did actually receive exactly what you want. Be as specific and detailed as possible, e.g. “I feel particularly jealous when B enjoys A’s sense of humour." Here you are looking for the support provided by appreciation of your own sense of humour. Or, “I feel resentful of people with inherited wealth because I believe they can then be free of all constraints due to the exigencies of having to make a living.” Here you are jealous of the freedom you believe they have to do as they please. (You may like to briefly consider what it could be like to be in this situation and then have to deal with loads of people like you feeling jealousy and resentment!) You may find that you are simply jealous of someone else’s presence as in, “I feel jealous the time X spends with Y because they always seem to have such fun together.” In this case you are believing that the presence of X would support you to have fun, so you are probably looking for support from the inspirational aspect of nurturing.
Now, either you do genuinely still need the inflow of love/appreciation/support for the manifestation of that particular quality for your own growth at this stage of your existence, or you only think you need it from outside yourself, but you could really generate it yourself, from within yourself.
So spend a few moments meditating on each of the things you think you need to receive and imagine having them for yourself. Then see what you would be like if you did have them. Then look back through your own life’s experiences and see if you have ever managed to be like that anyway, either with loving support/appreciation or without it.
If you have already managed to perfectly express any of these aspects of your truth simply because you felt like it from the inside, then it is probable that you don’t really still need external support. So what you do need to do next is to start looking for the specific triggers that chronically or periodically inhibit these aspects of your expression and sorting out ways to strengthen yourself to meet these triggers. The focus here is to acknowledge that you can be the way you want to be and concentrate on the practice that is always needed for eventual mastery.
If you find that you have only ever been able to be like that in the presence of external support, then you may well still need at least some nurturing for this aspect of your truth. So your next step would be to be willing to open yourself to receive whatever external nurturing you do still happen to genuinely need and to trust that it will be provided. Meanwhile you could start out on the process of self-nurturing by consciously loving and appreciating that aspect of your truth.
You can begin this process of d.i.y. nurturing by using your jealousy to find out the aspects of your own truth you feel still need to be surrounded/supported by others’ love. Acknowledge these aspects of your truth as being already within you but still in a relatively immature state of growth and therefore still needing to be nurtured. You can visualise these parts of yourself as children, if that helps you to engage more easily with their continuing need for appropriate nurturing and encouragement. However, you still need to hold onto the awareness of your central self as an adult being who is able and willing to consciously organise that necessary nurturing. Take a moment to get a feeling for the approximate age of each child, as that will help you discern whether you need lots of external support and encouragement (very young child as toddler), more appreciation and respect (older child) or inspiration (older child again).
Take each aspect of truth in turn and allow yourself to really love and appreciate this aspect of your inner being and imagine what it would feel like to be able to express it with complete freedom and pleasure. See it as part of your personal gift to life and know that it is therefore supported by Creation. Commit yourself to enjoying it, loving it, respecting it and, ultimately, fully expressing it and ask to receive whatever outside help you still genuinely need to bring it to full maturity, including suitable opportunities to practice its expression.
If you find this difficult, try the following exercise which starts with love for the truth of others rather than beginning with love for your own.
Using jealousy and admiration to help you to self-nurture
First think of other people towards whom you feel either straight admiration or any of the various stages of jealousy. Allow yourself to imagine what it must feel like to be them and let yourself acknowledge what it is in them that most stimulates either your admiration or your jealousy. Then again acknowledge that these aspects of their being are reminding you of undeveloped aspects of your own truth. Then open your heart and solar plexus to those individuals by allowing yourself to feel grateful to them for expressing these aspects of their truth so openly that they are reminding you of aspects of your own truth that you wish to express and inspiring you to do so even in the presence of other people’s jealousy (including your own!). Allow yourself to absorb what they are into your solar plexus and to love yourself for having similar aspects of being within yourself. Admire yourself for being willing to do your best to express them. (If you feel very jealous, then regard yourself as wholly entitled to up the level of admiration!)
Then, taking each aspect in turn, consider what you still want to receive for each of them in the following way:
First let yourself be fully aware of the precise feelings your jealousy longs to receive. You may observe that this undeveloped part of your truth craves active and direct support and encouragement. You may find that it just wants a relaxed, open, accepting and appreciative atmosphere. Alternatively, it may feel safer in the presence of someone else who is expressing similar aspects of their own truth (i.e. it needs nurturing by inspiration).
Now close your eyes relax and imagine what it would be like if you were to receive everything you want. Continue to do this until you reach a point where you are totally satisfied and fulfilled with what you have received and feel ready to openly express this aspect of your truth. Then imagine yourself expressing it perfectly. Let yourself also imagine how pleased with yourself you would be if you did express it in this way. Also imagine that there will be people there watching you who also totally appreciate and enjoy this aspect of your expression. Place these imaginary people around you like a buffer zone. If you believe (or would like to believe!) that you have spirit guides, it will help you to include them in this zone since the reason they chose to be with you in this life was that they do totally appreciate and support the whole of your truth.
Just outside that buffer zone create another one which contains all the beings that you know of who also freely and happily express this same aspect of their truth.
Outside these two zones create another one containing all those who would like to be expressing this aspect of their truth but feel currently unable to do so. (This zone will include anyone who has ever been jealous or critical of you when you were trying to express this aspect of your own truth.)
Now imagine that the beings in your two inner zones are providing you with all the protection you need from any negativity directed towards you by anyone in the outer zone. Imagine they protect you by supporting, loving and strengthening your truth and will continue to do so until you feel so good about this aspect of your own true nature that it doesn’t really matter to you what people in the outer zone think or feel about you. (Try not to imagine that they protect you by attacking those who are attacking you as this will have a bad effect on your own feminine!)
If you can manage to let the presence of all this support help you stay strong in the knowing that this aspect of your truth is fundamentally good and lovable, then do your best to feel compassion for those in the outer zone. It helps to hold a steady awareness that they do not want to be jealous or critical of you any more than you really want to be jealous or critical of others. Everyone just fundamentally wants to enjoy flowing their own truth and to have pleasure in sharing love/truth with everyone else.
The first zone is your nurturing-by-loving-support zone, the second is your nurturing-by-inspiration zone and the third is your zone of potential-good-connections-and-current-opportunities-for-practice! At the centre of all these zones needs to be your own growing love for your own truth as ultimately, this will become the strongest zone. The nurturing you currently need is only there to protect you until these undernurtured aspects of your truth become strong enough to need no further protection.
Once you have imagined yourself surrounded by these buffer zones, gradually let your conscious mind open to an expanded awareness of your own everyday environment. Now allow yourself to become more aware of people or situations which do already offer you the nurturing of material support, appreciation or inspiration for this particular quality of your own being. Whenever you do become aware of the presence of this support, acknowledge it and be grateful to it and to Creation. Place these actual sources of support in the appropriate buffer zones.
Opening yourself to be aware of a particular feeling/energy pattern involves the same process as looking for a particular individual in a crowded room. You facilitate your senses to pick out what you are looking for by an inner scanning system which dismisses everything else except what you have instructed it to seek out. Then you give your central nervous system a set of instructions such as 'long red hair', 'clear voice', 'brilliant smile', 'green dress', plus information about that person's energy patterns, which your physical and your sixth senses then proceed to scan for. You don't have to carefully check each face that you see; you can scan most people in the room very rapidly. Only a few will attract your attention as possibilities (perhaps the green dresses) and you will rapidly pick out the person you seek.
In situations where you believe you are not being offered whatever it is you desire to receive, the reason that this belief often appears to be confirmed by your environment is because you have previously instructed your scanner to seek out what you are looking for, say, tenderness/appreciation, from one particular person and to ignore that quality coming from anywhere else. This doesn't mean that no-one else offers it. Just because you are looking for one person in a room full, it doesn't mean you might not like or enjoy many of the other people there. You have just decided to focus on the one and consequently ignore the rest.
When you undertake the scanning for loving support, you may immediately become aware that this support is already there. You can be sure that if you do genuinely need it, it will be there. It is only yourself who limits the inflow of all you desire into yourself. Whenever you do really need something to complete your own growth, it is always given, and given in full abundance. There is no stinginess about Creation. However, you may not allow yourself to perceive or receive it.
So if you still find yourself unable to perceive any sources of nurturing support, you may need to start to consider why you will not allow yourself to do so. It may be that you are refusing to receive it because you are carrying negative beliefs about life and/or yourself. For example, if those around you subscribe to the ‘no pain, no gain’ attitude to life, you may think you don’t deserve it because you haven’t yet put in enough ‘hard work’ or effort. You may be blocking your perception of incoming loving support as a consequence of having already chosen to deliberately inhibit certain aspects of your own truth after experiencing them as causing distress to someone you loved. You will then be afraid to accept love for this aspect of your truth in case that love encourages you to express it and thus risks adding to that other person’s distress. Alternatively the block may simply be another example of focussing on a desire to receive what you need from one particular source. The individual you most crave to receive it from may be very powerful in that particular area of expression, but if they are currently focusing their energy somewhere else, it is no good to you. Even if you should manage to supplant the person on whom they are currently focussed, it might not turn out particularly well for you anyway as, even though they may initially give you what you need, they may eventually become possessive of you, as I explained above. This is why it is far better to stay open to allowing whatever nurturing support you truly need to come naturally to you from wherever it is willingly given. Then, because it is freely given, you will be under no obligation to its source and undergo no risk of either feeling or stimulating possessiveness.
If you do remain convinced that what you believe you still need is not currently available to you, then your next step will be to ask for help and then open yourself to receive whatever it is you need to bring that aspect of your truth into full maturity from wherever it wishes to come. (Always remembering that a large part of what anyone needs, to bring any aspect of truth to full maturity, is their own commitment to it and a willingness to practice!) Then stay consciously open to receive what you have asked for and allow yourself to recognise it when it comes, even if it arrives in a completely unexpected way.
I remember when I had my last child. I was bringing him and my four other children up by myself. I did have lots of help and support, especially from one particular female friend, but I was chronically struggling with the pain I was feeling regarding this child’s father’s absence from my life. One day things at home were a bit fraught and I was feeling particularly aware of a deep inner need for that strong, warm, male support. I had walked to town to get groceries and already had a lot to carry home. The last part of my mission was to pick up some newly developed photos of my little boy. I opened the packet in the street to have a quick look but they all slid out onto the pavement. It was a Saturday morning and the street was really crowded and I just got that ‘last straw’ feeling and simply stood there in momentary helplessness and despair. A man appeared in front of me, holding the photos which he had collected up. He gave them to me with pure grace, warmth and kindness saying, “I think you must have dropped these and by the look of them they are worth keeping.” Somehow all the flow of supportive father feeling that I needed came pouring into me from that man, I felt bathed in it during the few moments he stood in front of me and it was enough to assuage my need. Jealousy arising from an unfulfilled need for inspiration
The jealousy that arises from an unfulfilled need for inspiration is really a jealousy of the presence of love. Thus you are not jealous because you want someone to directly love you (although you may feel that as well), you are jealous because you want to be in their presence whilst they are flowing their own truth.
Anything that is radiating any aspect of Creation’s truth through itself is a potential source of inspiration. This applies whether you are considering a person, an animal, a work of art or anything in Nature.
Whenever life force pours freely into truth, it naturally generates pure love. Anyone who is in the presence of any being that is flowing its own truth will be bathed in that pure love. The clear presence of truth also provides a direct and open doorway to the source of all truth and love so it is completely comforting. It reassures you that love is there. It also helps you remember that love and truth can flow into material form and thereby inspires you to do the same in your own life. This is why most of us feel so good in Nature. It is also why people want to own or be close to anything of beauty. Beauty is simply the visible result of the presence of truth.
The ideal nurturing environment for a child is the constant presence of love. This love will initially surround it in the form of unconditional love and be given directly to it as love for truth but, as well as receiving these more obvious forms of love, the child also needs to spend as much time as possible within the atmosphere of love that is generated by the presence of truth. Anything/one that steadily radiates its own truth will contribute to this atmosphere and so provide nurturing for the child in the form of inspiration.
If you have children of your own you may have noticed that there are times when the adult(s) in the household are really involved in doing their own thing, absorbed and happy, and the children seem to pick up the energy and either get absorbed in doing something they enjoy or, especially if they are younger, hang happily around in the auric space of the adult concerned. They don’t need direct attention at these times, they just need the presence of love and they are getting that in abundance by being near someone who is putting his her own truth/love into something he or she completely enjoys.
It is always beneficial for any child to grow up in a household that is filled with the presence of love from people doing the things that give them pleasure. A mother of a newborn will be doing what gives her pleasure when she gives unconditional love to her babe. Thus she will be the presence of love as well as providing the enveloping warmth of unconditional nurturing. Everyone who is enjoying whatever it is they are currently doing will be providing this presence of love. If a child does grow up in such a household, it will make an easy transition from wanting love to be given directly to itself to simply seeking out the presence of love and taking inspiration and comfort from it. If there is no presence of love, the child may get stuck in wanting to have love directed towards itself and so become ‘demanding’ or clingy. What such children really need is to spend time around other people who are enjoying themselves doing whatever gives them pleasure at the time.
Human inspiration is particularly good for a child because it provides evidence that human beings can manifest love/truth in the material world. Human inspiration does not have to come directly from an actual person in the household, although it is nice if it does! It can come from anything that has been made by humans, providing these things have been made with love. Many children become attached to certain household objects. Their familiarity provides comfort. If you look at those objects you will find that they are radiating love. This will either be because someone has made them with love or because someone has felt their own love/truth very strongly in association with that object. The object then becomes imbued with beauty and warmth and so provides an available source of nurturing to the child.
I used to love my father’s old hand-turned coffee grinder. I found it really hard to turn the handle but I still loved doing it. My father used to come home from work at lunchtime and sit in his big leather armchair by the fire and drink his coffee. He was always very relaxed at those times and I would sit on his lap and feel safe and warm while he listened to classical music and dozed. I still love the smell of freshly ground coffee and it still makes me feel safe and warm. Unfortunately the coffee grinder got thrown away and replaced by some modern electric gadget. No-one thought to ask me if I wanted to keep it. Why would they? It would never have occurred to them that I would feel attached to it because they were simply seeing it as an object that involved them in no-longer-necessary hard work! The great thing for me about the coffee grinder and other inanimate objects imbued with love was that they were utterly and totally consistent! The warmth that came off them was always there, radiating the warmth put into them by their maker and subsequently augmented by myself. Personally I have no feeling for factory made furniture or tools and infinitely prefer things that have been made by hand but they do need to have been made with love. It is easy enough to feel it when they have.
Jealousy arising out of an unfulfilled need for inspiration would tend to express itself as feeling jealous of someone who gets to spend a lot of time in the company of someone/something/somewhere with whom you would like to spend time. I say ‘something’ and ‘somewhere’ here as well as ‘someone’ because you may feel jealous of someone who gets to spend time in a certain place or have a particular work of art hanging on their wall or a really good music system etc.
If you did not have the opportunity to grow up in a household filled with people who were enjoying what they were doing, you may find yourself jealous of anyone who did. Alternatively your jealousy may be directed towards objects of beauty and those who have constant access to them.
In order to make the most constructive use of any jealousy you are feeling regarding the presence of animate or inanimate others, you need to again begin by giving some time to pinning down exactly what it is you are jealous of. (If you are choosing a person, make sure you first ask yourself how you would like that person to be whilst you are with them). Then ask yourself how you believe you would be able to feel if you were to have the opportunity to spend all the time you need with that person or object or in that situation. This will help you discern what state of being you are trying to develop in yourself by associating with them.
For example I used to be jealous of people with big old Rolls Royces and chauffeurs. I wanted the chauffeur to be totally organised and to always be able to get me exactly where I wanted to go without any effort from me other than making the initial decision about where I really wanted to be. The feeling I was looking for was that of being able to go through life effortlessly and freely without harassment and without having to stress myself in any way, i.e. I just wanted to be able to move immediately and freely from an initial desire through a clear pathway into complete fulfilment. Once I had clarified why I was jealous of the Rolls owners with such impeccable chauffeurs, my jealousy changed into a desire to be so well aligned with my own inner being that I could go through life in that way. (Creation would be the chauffeur, I would just have the desires and the intuition about the right direction and the commitment to go there!) Since I have actually had experiences when my life did flow completely smoothly in this way, I know I can do it and that it just needs more practice. I can now think of the smooth purr and insulated comfort of the chauffeured Rolls and let it inspire me to be the way I really want to be rather than letting it generate jealousy or stimulate me into a driving commitment to earn enough money to get one!
Being nurtured by inspiration is about bathing in the radiance of some other being’s freely transmitted truth. There will be many beings who are freely transmitting the aspect of truth you are looking for. So once you have found out what qualities of being you are looking for, close your eyes and allow yourself to open to everything else in the world that radiates those same qualities. You will notice that the feeling you desire is actually flowing in to you daily, hourly, all the time from many sources. It may be expressed in many different ways, some more obvious than others, but it will always be made available to you, in some form or another, by Nature. So now write your name in the centre of a page. Then place the names of all the beings/objects that are radiating the feelings you desire on a circle all around your own name. Include animals, trees, plants, rocks, daylight, darkness, mountains, fire, wind, rivers, lakes and so on as well as the names of those human beings whose existence in the world provides you with this same inspiration, even if you don’t personally know them. Let yourself feel grateful for what they give and let your gratitude open you to receive the inspiration you need from all these sources.
Perhaps over the next few days you could consciously instruct your inner scanning system to open to allow that particular feeling to flow into you from any source which gives it out freely. Whenever you do receive that feeling, add the name of its source to those already on your circle. In this way you will find out for yourself how all you really need is always being offered to you, even if you have not previously let yourself either acknowledge it or receive it into yourself.Resolving your jealousy of someone else’s feminine
As I explained earlier on, jealousy of the feminine in others may be directed towards any or all of the various ways in which the feminine naturally expresses its love for the truth in others. Thus you may find yourself jealous of someone’s capacity for, or opportunities to express, unconditional love. You may be jealous of someone’s ability to nurture the truth of growing beings or of the opportunities you see them have to do this nurturing. You may be jealous of their ability to support the truth of individuals whose flow is blocked and/or their ability to discern and have compassion towards any untruth that is currently clouding that truth. You may be jealous of someone who feels completely open-hearted love for the expressed truth of any one other being or of all beings. You may be jealous of them because they have someone close to them whom they can easily love in this way or simply of the fact that they are able to love in this way.
The ultimate solution to any jealousy arising out of the feminine is to be able to offer your love freely to the essential truth of all beings and hold all untruth in compassion. For this to occur, you will also need to be really confident in the full expression of your own masculine. If you are not completely sure of your masculine this has the potential to interfere with all aspects of the feminine. Truth/truth essence exchange will be particularly difficult, as this definitely requires the clear expression of both the masculine and feminine elements of your nature.
The development of the feminine in a young child will not precisely parallel that of the masculine although the same fundamental nurturing ingredients will be needed. The child still learns from what it is given but it tends to be more influenced by the element of inspiration i.e. the way it is treated by the feminine of others will be absorbed into it very early on and will strongly affect the way it develops its own feminine.
When an infant is surrounded by unconditional love, it will absorb the feeling of the nature of that type of love deep into itself. Its initial sense of itself as a loving being will be based on this experience so it is likely to start life with the impression that the ability to love unconditionally is the truest measure of its capacity to love. This is not true. The ability to love unconditionally is simply the ability to love unconditionally! All the other forms of the feminine’s love are equally valuable and equally powerful in their own right place.
As long as the child then proceeds to get love for its truth, it will naturally go on to develop its own feminine’s capacity to give love to the truth of others. However, if it only receives love that is unconditionally given and this is not followed up by love for its truth, it may end up believing that whenever it loves anyone it has to love them unconditionally. This can have disastrous consequences. For example, many adults take in all the negativity from someone they love and try to process it through themselves. This is an attempt to apply the energy patterns of unconditional love to situations that really need healing. They may put up with all kinds of negative or destructive behaviour from someone they love and simply accept it with no attempt to give appropriate feedback to that person such as, “This is your truth and I can see it and love it but this behaviour does not feel like an expression of truth to me and I am therefore not going to engage with it/tolerate it in my space.”
I met one lady who had been variously diagnosed as schizophrenic and manic depressive. Her story was interesting and very relevant to this issue of appropriate expression of the feminine. She had initially been brought up by her grandmother in the Caribbean who appeared to have indulged her with unconditional love long past the age when this love should rightly have been replaced by love for truth. She had been allowed to express more or less anything she pleased without any particular feedback about whether what she was expressing was the real truth of her soul or simply a reaction to something in her environment. So, although she was happy and joyous because she knew she was loved, she had not developed the strength that comes from knowing your own truth. Thus she had not developed the self-discernment that is able to know: “This feels inwardly right to me so I am going to commit to expressing it and this just feels superficial and is probably a reaction to something in my environment so I’ll just let it go.” It was particularly important for her to develop this capacity to discern as she was highly sensitive to energy patterns (i.e. psychic, if you care to use that word!). Thus she was liable to be easily influenced by the energy patterns in her environment.
In early adolescence she was sent to live with her parents in England and was immediately put under intense pressure to be ‘British’! Love was then only offered to her for this rather dubious accomplishment and therefore withheld from her when she was doing what she had done with her grandmother, which was simply expressing whatever came into her to express. She learned all the stereotypical British ways – Queen’s English, self-restraint, perfect manners etc. but still without ever discerning what felt right to her. During her manic phases she went into free flowing expression of whatever came into her mind, much of which would have either been a discharge of her previously frustrated truth or simply a reaction to whatever she came across in her environment. Then, once the burst of mania had subsided, she relapsed into despair.
Despair is our natural reaction to believing that we will never be able to have the life our inner being truly desires. You create what you desire in life by steadily and consistently expressing your own truth and since she didn’t know how to be sure of what her truth was, she was unable to consistently express it. She was either suppressing it altogether or discharging it inappropriately/excessively.
When we talked about the difference between actions that came from the core of herself and actions that were simply reactions to things outside herself she was very clear that the internally derived actions felt fundamentally strong, solid and calming and the reactive actions left her feeling ‘separated’. If she had been initially brought up with a larger proportion of appropriately given love for her truth rather than simply the unconditional type of love, she would have learned to discern and respect what felt like her own truth. It would then have been much easier for her to hold fast to what felt right to her when she went to live with her parents and she would not have felt the need to conform to their demands by putting a complete block on her own natural flow or to relieve the resulting depression by bursting out into the freedom of manic excess.
This lady had done a lot of work on herself and had already reached the point of realising that she needed to listen inwards. However, she had had to go through a lot of trauma before getting there. I am sure she is stronger as a result of this. However, this poses the question of whether we want to deliberately give our children a hard time in order to strengthen them (like the Spartans) or do we want to give them the best possible start by providing them with the right kind of love at the right time and then let them choose their own strengthening challenges. My personal opinion on this is that if you want your children to be happy and find fulfilment in this world, where they will be surrounded by all sorts of pressures and influences, it is best to teach them to listen inwards and discern what feels right to them. A good way to start helping them with this discernment is to make sure you respond with love for their truth and respond with appropriate neutrality or even a communication of displeasure when they behave in a way that is manifestly untrue of their own souls.
You may wonder how you can tell when a child is expressing its truth – especially when it is having a tantrum about wanting something that it does truly want!
Your feelings will always tell you when anyone is being fundamentally true to themselves as you will feel a natural response of warmth and an opening of your heart. (Unless of course you feel jealous of whatever it is they are expressing or the benefits they are getting from that expression …which takes us back to where we started!)
If you feel your heart opening to someone, you can be sure that truth is there somewhere. Even if they are being aggressive or defensive about their truth, you can usually still feel that warmth when what they are defending really is part of their own soul’s true nature.
The type of warmth you find yourself feeling will help you discern whether the truth they are expressing is already fully developed or still needs nurturing or healing. You will either feel direct love and warmth towards them (they are self-sufficiently expressing truth), love with tenderness (they are expressing truth but still need nurturing or they are genuinely helpless and need unconditional love), love with compassion (they are struggling to express truth but are not currently succeeding). If they are not expressing truth, you may feel any one of a variety of negative emotions. For example you may feel angry, fearful, resentful or bored. In all of these situations you will find that your heart is closed.
I do not want to go into the various causes of these reactions here, as I deal with them elsewhere. Suffice it to say that boredom is our natural response to someone who is expressing a persona with nothing of their own truth in it. Anger is usually experienced because something in their expression or intent is perceived as threatening to some aspect of our own truth (masculine or feminine). Resentment generally suggests that someone has ‘stolen’ something from your- often your energy and attention when they have managed to manipulate you into giving it to them against the true inner desires of your soul. Fear indicates either a real or imaginary threat to either your physical survival, the integrity of your identity and/or your being in your right place within Creation’s harmony. It may also be experienced as a result of similar threats to someone you love if you feel helpless to assist /protect them and believe them to be unable to protect themselves.
Discernment through the presence or absence of the feminine’s love
As you can gather from what I have already said, an important part of the feminine’s function is its ability to discern. The feminine discerns through its natural response of love for truth. If your heart opens and love is immediately there, then the being you are loving must have at least an intent to be true to themselves. If love is not there, then it is likely that the other being has no intention of expressing truth at that moment. One exception to this is when you are feeling such an extreme form of jealousy that your own pain completely obscures the initial flicker of love that you would have felt in response to that other being’s clearly expressed truth. The other main exception occurs when you are feeling love for someone because you have projected aspects of your own truth onto them. In this situation, you are still loving truth but the truth you are loving is really your own. So, except in these cases, where the blindness is self-induced, love is actually far from blind! Love is in fact one of our best ways to discern both the presence of truth and the intent to be true.
If you take the time to observe the way your own heart naturally opens to all levels of expression of truth, you will begin to notice the difference between these responses and the closure that takes place whenever someone has impure intent. If you are not used to doing this, you may have to undertake it as a reasonably long-term project as you will initially have to accumulate evidence for yourself that your inner being is capable of discerning between pure and impure intent and sometimes it takes quite a long time for an impure intent to be clearly revealed by someone’s actions.
(Pure intent is to either clearly express your own truth or to support the expression of truth in any other being).* See book on Truth for more detail.
Once you have learned to discern whether or not truth is present, you will be able to provide useful nurturing/healing for others by allowing your heart’s love to flow naturally towards them whenever you sense that truth is there, even if they are currently managing to mess up its outward expression!
You will also be able to help those around you by responding to truth/pure intent with openly expressed love and appreciation and to untruth with a clear communication that you consider it to be untruth. They don’t have to believe you but at least it will make them consider the sources of their own behaviour and that is the beginning of learning to discern truth from untruth within themselves. Resolving jealousy felt towards the feminine of others
A good way to begin is by clarifying the different aspects of your own feminine and discerning where each of them is most appropriately expressed. Once you have obtained a clear overview of the way the feminine naturally functions, then you can use your jealousy to help you to examine and free yourself from any blocks that are still interfering with any of these aspects.
The simplest way to clarify the perfect expression of each aspect of the feminine is to imagine yourself at the various natural stages of your own growth and then see how you would like someone else’s feminine to respond or to have responded to you at each stage. Always consider this response in terms of whether or not their behaviour towards you supports the growth and/or expression of your truth. Thus you may initially think that you would like to be taken care of and have everything done for you but if you let yourself imagine the long-term consequences of this on your ability to do things for yourself, it might not look like such an attractive prospect! If you find yourself thinking you just want someone to simply understand how you feel when you happen to be feeling really awful, it is worth then giving time to also considering their whole attitude to your suffering. Would you want them to just sit there and sympathise with you as in, “I know just how you feel, I feel exactly the same”, which is basically simply offering you the scant comfort of having someone sitting next to you up to their neck in the same shit! Perhaps you would prefer them to say, “I know how you feel. I have felt like that myself in the past but I have managed to get through it. I am sure you can get through it too. I am willing to explain what I did and help you if you wish”. Or even, “I know how you are feeling now but I also know what you are capable of and I am sure that if you bring forward the xxxxx qualities you already have, you will be able to handle this situation easily.”
Exercise to help you discern your own natural ways of loving the truth of others
Begin with the image of yourself as a helpless baby. Alternatively, think back to some time when you felt completely helpless, as maybe when you were really ill or in a state of shock.
Place yourself back in this image of the baby or your own memory of the helpless state. Then ask yourself what you would have liked to be surrounded with when you were in that state. What would have made you feel so safe and secure that you could just relax and get on with the essentials, like growing or healing? You can either imagine everything for yourself or you could make use of memories of how you have seen other people behave in similar circumstances. You can also access memories of how you yourself have behaved when you were giving love to someone who was genuinely helpless. (Make sure you only pick examples of situations that left you feeling completely fulfilled!)
Adjust the impressions of your imaginary unconditional nurturer until they feel exactly right, until you feel sure that if such a person had been present, you would have felt completely relaxed, safe and comfortable within yourself.
Then imagine yourself being that person and giving the same kind of love to others who are truly helpless. Let your memory banks remind you of all the times when you have actually been like this.
Now go through the same type of procedure with the other aspects of the feminine’s love.
Thus imagine the ideal nurturer of yourself as a young child. Imagine how you would like them to have encouraged and supported you when you first began to express yourself and how you would like that support to have developed or become modified as you grew more and more capable of doing your own thing. Imagine how you would like them to have responded to you when you expressed your truth really well of your own accord.
Also imagine how they would have reacted to any untruth you may have expressed during this whole process of growth. You may initially have wanted a kindly indulgence with a gentle push away from the untruth. You may have subsequently preferred clearer and more definite messages. Ultimately, you would probably have wanted them to be completely steady in helping you to take full responsibility for your own untrue behaviour and deal as effectively as possible with its consequences. You probably wouldn’t want judgement, or certainly not the kind of judgement that separates, but you might have really appreciated a clear discernment and an equally clear communication that they could see that what you were doing was not an expression of your truth. You might also have wanted them to always hold a steady knowing of and love for your truth even though you were not actually expressing it all the time.
It is worth thinking about how you would have liked this person to respond to you when you had totally and completely messed up by consciously going against what you inwardly knew was truly right for you.
Then finally imagine this person loving and enjoying your fully expressed truth.
Throughout all this, be aware of how you would like them to be in themselves, i.e. how you would like their masculine element to be expressing itself. It is interesting that whenever I ask people to consider how they would like their perfect nurturer/healer to be, they always want them to be strong and steady in their own masculine, even if what they are offering on the surface is the soft sweetness and tenderness of pure unconditional love.
The good news is that the perfect person you have just created in your imagination is a reflection of your own potential. It is also, like all personal truth, an expression of certain aspects of the underlying truth of Creation. So what you need is already there, within yourself and within Creation. It just remains to allow yourself to open to its presence in both yourself and in other beings and to develop your own ability to express it from within yourself.
You can now make use of your jealousy of others to discern where you are not yet fully expressing certain aspects of your own feminine. Then you can adapt the same exercises that we used for the masculine to access and strengthen undeveloped aspects of your own feminine.
As with the masculine, the development of any area of truth requires practice and practice requires opportunity. The masculine is easier in this regard as you can always listen inwards to find out what you desire to express, then get on with expressing it, thereby giving yourself the necessary opportunities to experience your own masculine side in action. To practice the expression of your feminine, you will need someone else. Ideally you will also require that person to genuinely require whatever aspect of your feminine’s truth you currently wish to develop. (So whereas playing with dolls might take a child part of the way towards developing its feminine as nurturer, helping to nurture a real human or animal baby would be a lot better).
If you do need appropriate opportunities to practice the expression of particular aspects of your feminine’s truth, Creation is quite capable of providing them for the benefit of both yourself and those to whom you offer your love, so do not hesitate to ask. Then trust your own feelings and follow them. This will bring you into contact with the opportunities you have asked for. This is much safer than the risk of overwhelming someone you already know with the wrong kind of love just because you yourself need to express it.
When you are looking for opportunities to love fully expressed truth, remember that someone who is willing to see and love the truth of other beings will be providing an atmosphere in which others are naturally going to feel relaxed and happy about expressing their truth. So if you are genuinely willing to see and love truth in everyone, you are not likely to be short of people who are happy to express their truth in your presence.
Resolving the need to grow by consciously loving your own truth
This can be a bit of a lifetime mission! Jealousy can do a lot to help you with it.
To come to love your truth you need to know what it is. You also need to express all of it so that you can feel your own pleasure in it and be aware of its innate goodness. Everyone comes to this point of truly knowing and loving themselves eventually. (I’m talking lifetimes here!) It helps to have a push start by receiving the best possible nurturing in childhood. Nevertheless, even when that nurturing was deficient in certain ways, we can continue with our growth without it and still come to the state of full and complete maturity of being. It may take a bit longer but we will have gained strength by having done more of it for ourselves. We will also have gained trust that everything we need is already there, either within ourselves or provided by Creation.
We are undertaking the project of knowing and loving our own truth every time we do something that we really want to do. So, to begin with, think of times when you have completely enjoyed doing something you really wanted to do. This something could be your own creative self-expression or it could be an expression of love for another being. Observe the pleasure you felt in yourself when you allowed what felt inwardly right to you to flow freely into expression. Be aware of the qualities of being you radiated into each of these occasions and let yourself really love and appreciate yourself for your own choice and commitment to express these aspects of your own truth. Be proud of yourself for this successful expression of these aspects of your own truth.
Then recall whether or not you received love, appreciation, support from anyone else on those occasions. (I am including here the manifestation of support from the universe by providing you with whatever you happened to need to support/complete the expression of this aspect of your own truth). Allow yourself to acknowledge any love or support you received. Let yourself feel your own natural pleasure in this inflow of love and appreciation as well as gratitude for this evidence of support and accept and enjoy the resulting knowledge that you were being loved for being true to yourself. Allow the knowledge that this loving support was freely given to encourage you to continue to express these aspects of your truth and also encourage you to bring forward any currently inhibited aspects so that you may ultimately feel the same pleasure in expressing them and the same pleasure in receiving love for their expression.
The next step is to concentrate all your energy on giving out your own truth as fully and clearly as you can whilst staying completely open to receiving love from those who will naturally love it. The being open part is important because sometimes people express their truth really well but are so conditioned to receiving negative responses that they continue to expect them. The cloud created by their own expectation obscures their vision so that they neither perceive nor acknowledge the love and appreciation they will naturally receive. (This applies especially to those who perceived their truth as causing pain, fear or any other kind of distress to a loved one.)
A free flowing giver of truth is not usually short of love received as, whenever someone does flow their own truth freely, there are always plenty of people willing to receive it and give their truth in return. So the simple commitment to consciously expressing your truth whilst at the same time staying completely open to receive love in return may result in your receiving all the reassuring responses of love that you need to make up for any actual or imagined childhood deficiency. Of course you aren’t going to get love (initially at least!) from everyone. Anyone who is currently suppressing similar aspects of their own truth is more likely to feel jealous of you although they may feel admiration. However, there will be people who are being true to themselves who can and will love you. Until this world becomes filled with people being true to themselves, you will have to make do with the love of these individuals but if this helps you to be true to yourself then you will be one more like them and there will be one less in the jealousy camp. You will in turn be able to support others by loving their truth and the jealousy in the world will gradually diminish. (Got to leave a bit to provide a challenge for those who want to master knowing their truth from the inside!)
The main problem with the above strategy is that it requires you to actually express your truth and you may well have blocked certain parts of it so thoroughly that you are not aware of them as being your truth! This is where your jealousy can continue to help you. Instead of twisting inside with the pain of your own jealousy or resentment, try thinking of your jealousy as, “Aha, I’m feeling jealous, great opportunity to unearth another aspect of my own wonderful true nature!” Then just look carefully at the people who stimulate your jealousy, do your best to discern exactly what it is you are feeling jealous of and then concentrate on acknowledging that the qualities you are jealous of must already be within you.
The next step is to create an open channel between yourself and the person you are jealous of by feeling grateful to them for providing inspiration and by admiring and respecting them for having the courage and commitment to continue to provide this inspiration even though there are probably lots of people like you busy directing negativity towards them! The feeling of gratitude will open your heart to them and the feeling of respect will open your solar plexus. This will make it easier for you to absorb what it feels like to express these qualities of being and will create a natural resonance with those qualities within yourself. Then you can give your attention to bringing these same qualities forward into your own expression whilst allowing yourself to stay open to the possibility that other people might love, admire and respect you for expressing them just as you fundamentally love, admire and respect the individuals you have chosen.
The more you allow yourself to love and appreciate your inspirers, the easier you will find it to believe that other people could love and appreciate you for expressing similar aspects of your own truth.
If you suspect that there are aspects of your own truth that have been so deeply suppressed that you cannot get access to them by doing this exercise, then it is worth reading the section on aura shock and then trying this exercise again. If you find that you tend to go in for over the top expression whenever a suppressed aspect of truth is released, then it is also worth reading the section on excessive expression before proceeding to try bringing forward this aspect of truth.
Once you begin to release partially blocked aspects of truth, your aura will come to feel safer to bring forward memories of other aspects that were more deeply blocked. The deepest blocks often occur as a result of jealousy being directed towards you. When this happens to a young child, it is always very traumatic, as I will explain in Part 2. Meanwhile it is worth remaining aware of what I mentioned earlier, that if you find yourself feeling jealous, then this usually means someone either is or has been jealous of you and that this jealousy has been effective in either inhibiting some aspect of the expression of your soul's truth or in preventing you receiving the love which would naturally come to you as a result of that expression.